


Letting Go

by TheDoesMistress



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-05-30 05:09:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6410110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDoesMistress/pseuds/TheDoesMistress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in Order of the Phoenix, Severus Snape is ordered by Voldemort to to gain Hermione Granger's trust. In doing so he is reminded of the girl he once loved and learns how to finally let her go. Can two unlikely comrades from opposite ends of the spectrum battle the same demons?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dark Lord's Bidding

**Author's Note:**

> Author's note: I own nothing. Just a product from my overactive imagination! Please review :)

"You know what you must do Severus. Gain the girls trust and Potter will be mine," whispered Voldemort, his eyes gleaming red with a hint of insane malice as he stared at his faithful servant. "As you wish Master" said Snape. With that he vanished leaving no sign that he had ever been in the old boarded up house.

Hogsmeade was covered in snow when he apparated. There wasn't a single person in sight even the moon was lonely, hanging in the starless sky. Making his way over to the 'Three Broomsticks' Snape replayed Voldemorts words over and over again. How was he supposed to approach her? It was no secret that he despised the girl, but to get to know her? "Madness" he thought while shaking his head.

As soon as he entered the rustic pub he regretted it. All of the staff was gathered round a large table towards the back. They were laughing hysterically and were very clearly drunk. "Severus! Won't you join us?" called Filius. The thought of sitting with such inebriated beings repulsed him. It reminded him all too clearly of his childhood…

"I think I'll pass Filius" responded Snape.

He was fond of this pub. It was a place where his custom was always welcome his presence perhaps not. There were still people who distrusted him because of his past. It was understandable and he accepted that. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Rosmerta talking animatedly with Pomona. When she noticed him at the bar she walked over to him. "What can I get you?" She asked while smiling. Every time he saw her she was smiling. It intrigued him. "Vodka. Large." She went behind the bar and prepared his drink. Handing it to him she said "This one is on Filius" motioning towards the small but larger than life charms Professor. Snape nodded.

Rosmerta knew he preferred to not engage in conversation and left to talk to more sociable customers. As he drank the clear liquid and felt it slightly burn like a small fire in his throat, ideas came flooding into his mind. Truth be told, luring her into his trap would give him immense satisfaction. Ever since she first entered his class she had been nothing but a great annoyance. The only problem Snape had was gaining her trust. The rest would be easy. He was feared and disliked by the majority of people at Hogwarts, students and teachers alike. How could he make her trust him? Would him interacting with a fifth year Gryffindor girl not be deemed inappropriate? "Perhaps not" he thought to himself, if the circumstances were indeed, appropriate.

He ordered Vodka and downed it in one gulp. Getting up from the bar he turned to go. "You've been avoiding me Severus" teased Minerva. She was swaying slightly as she edged nearer to him, her words slurred, her breath smelling of red wine. He had never coped well in these situations and this was no different. "Why is that?" She asked. Snape tried to pass her but she grabbed his arm. His face contorted in rage and she looked up at him. "Get your hands off me!" He shouted. The whole pub fell silent. He could feel everyone's eyes on him. Minerva took a step backwards, "I forgot... I know you don't like anyone touching you... "He could sense the fear in her voice and he liked how she shrinked away from him in fear. It made him feel powerful and that was something he hadn't felt in quite a while.

"I think you better leave now" said Rosmerta holding the door open for him. He glared at Minerva before striding out of the pub. Snape rubbed the back of his neck and started to make his way back to the castle. He would have to visit Dumbledore and tell him what Voldemort had asked of him... Yet again.

When he finally reached the castle he walked briskly towards the Headmasters office. He entered and immediately took the chair opposite the legendary wizard. "What has he asked you to do?" Dumbledore asked, his voice calm, his eyes expectant. Snape scoffed before saying," He wants me to get to know Hermione Granger and to extract information from her about the boy." Dumbledore studied his face, looking into his eyes trying to find any sign of emotion in the two black orbs staring back at him. "Do what you must Severus. Perhaps, approach her in a different manner though. Minerva is still suspicious," chuckled the headmaster. Snape remembered that train wreck of a mission extremely well. Voldemort had ordered him to 'get to know' the Headmistress. For some reason he was under the impression that Dumbledore might have confided in Minerva. Why he thought this, was a mystery. The only reason Snape could find, was that he had once told Voldemort that the two professors always seemed close while he himself was a student. Maybe that's why he was forced to befriend his intensely private colleague. For six months he had forged a close relationship with Minerva, in which time, the Dark Lord ordered him to perform legilimency without her knowing. He had seen her worst memories and regretted ever taking advantage of her. That is why he was avoiding her. That is why he regrets that night. Snape smirked and said, "Well, Albus, Miss Granger is only a child after all." He turned to go and Dumbledore shouted after him "And don't you forget it Severus!"

As he walked down towards his quarters in the dungeons, he thought about the enormous task ahead of him. Sometimes he hated being Severus Snape.


	2. Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author's note: I wrote the dance part with the song One and Only by Adele as inspiration. It's more of a filler chapter but it sets the scene for the next chapter. Please review and enjoy!

"Lily?" he whispered, "Is it really you?"

He knew it was a dream, knew that's all it could ever be. That didn't make any less real though. It was an illusion, yes, but a very intricate one at that. As much as he wished it all to be real it was only a dream. His minds way of coping rather than living in reality. This was his only way of seeing her, touching her. That was real enough for him.

She held out her hand, smiling up at him with a sweet sorrow in her emerald eyes. Stepping closer, he found himself taking her hand and being lead into the centre of an empty room. There were no walls, no ceiling; reminding him once again how un-real this place was. "Tell me we can stay like this Lily... Please," pleaded Severus. There were tears in his eyes as he begged for this moment to never end. She bit her lip out of habit before replying, "You know we can't Sev…"

There it was. The sound of his name on her lips, each letter hanging in the air for a few moments. She was the only one who called him Sev. It was something the both of them had shared, a piece of her that would live on forever even though she wouldn't. How he longed for someone to utter his nickname. Just once more…

Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close. His neck tingled at her touch. How could something feel so real and not be real at all? Severus placed his hands on her waist, holding her body against his own, afraid she would break if he let go. Pressing her head to his chest, she began to lead them both into a dance. He was reluctant because he knew that once the song ended, so would this. Giving in, Severus followed her lead, swaying to the rhythm of a song he knew only too well. And as one, they danced to their song.

Each note described what he could not put into words. She understood and always had. That's why she was special. Lily was the one, the only one who loved him, despite his many flaws. He "wouldn't be Sev without them" she used to say. He was scarred as much on the inside as he was on the outside. And yet, that never seemed to matter to her.

Severus could feel her heart beat against his own, memorising the rhythm of it. If only he could remember it forever…

He spun them around in time with the music, never taking his eyes off her. She smiled up at him, a happy smile, for once. And he smiled back too as she threw her head back, laughing sweetly and grinning like a fool. He took her into a more soulful dance, each movement matched by the other. This should have been their dance, in reality. Instead, it was danced in a dream. Real as it was, they both knew Severus had to wake up sooner or later…

Pulling her closer, he brushed a stray piece of hair out of her face. Tears fell from Lily's eyes as they moved in time with each other. He didn't want it to end, the dance, the song, the dream.

Finally it had gotten to him and heavy sobs began to wrack his chest. He realised that this was it. She was gone, she wasn't even really there. He had nothing left to lose and she would never say his name again.

The end of the song edged closer as he kissed her forehead gently. Twirling her once more, he knew she would be gone by the final note. And she dissolved into thin air, just like all the other times…

XXX

Severus was woken by an owl tapping impatiently at his window. "Damn bird," he muttered to himself. The sun was beginning to rise on the horizon, the last of the night slowly slipping away. He put five knuts into the bird's money pouch and retrieved his copy of The Daily Prophet. The headline was similar to the previous weeks', Dumbledore: Daft or Dangerous? He threw the paper onto his unkempt bed. Today was going to be a long day. Once again, he had been refused the position of DADA teacher. Instead, Dolores Umbridge was appointed. Snape despised the woman ever since his first encounter with her a few years previously. Her dreadful pink clothes and squeaky voice were enough to drive anyone crazy. Later on, at dinner she would be introduced to the students.

After pulling on his usual black robes, Severus left his private chambers and headed straight for the Headmaster's office. He had to go over the details, the little things that could jeopardise the complex plan he had thought up. Even the smallest of mistakes could ruin everything…

As he walked through the cold, damp dungeons, his dream kept replaying in his head- her eyes, her smile and her fiery hair. "Focus!" he thought to himself. The chill of the dark dungeons permeated his clothes as he began to ascend the stairway to the entrance hall.

There wasn't a single person in sight, not one. Severus loved it when the castle was near empty, it made him feel comfortable. He liked how all the paintings visited each other's frames', the way the ghosts roamed the corridors humming ancient tunes. It felt like home. The small things that nobody else noticed were the things that stood out to Severus, their undiscovered beauty.

After a short while, he had reached the phoenix leading to Dumbledore's office. "Fizzing Whizbee" said Snape. He stepped onto the spiral staircase as it rose upwards. When it stopped, he walked briskly towards the door. Taking a deep breath he knocked three times, short and sharp. "Enter," responded the old wizard as the door swung open. Snape strode into the centre of the large office. Albus was sitting in his chair, eyes glued to an ancient looking book. Typical, the whole wizarding community was a wreck and all he seemed to be doing nowadays was read, read, and read! The two men studied each other carefully before Albus spoke again, "Do you know what you are going to do Severus?" Snape paced up and down for a few moments before answering. He had a fair idea of what he would have to do, but this was different. She was a student, a Gryffindor student at that and he was a teacher. It wouldn't be like with Minerva, that had gone too far…

"Yes, I know exactly what I am going to do" replied Snape after some time. He decided to take the seat opposite the headmaster, sensing that he would definitely have something else to add. Albus' blue eyes stared into Snapes' black, searching for an appropriate answer. He wouldn't dare use legilimency, as skilled as he was; Snape was ten times better at occlumency. He had had to be. Still the headmaster held his gaze, his unyielding eyes attempting to penetrate the years of sorrow fixed into his colleague's retinas. "Very well Severus, just make sure that you do not get side-tracked. Be cunning, do what you must," advised Albus. He just didn't get it, how it felt to always be the bad guy, the person people despised. Dumbledore thought he was doing Severus a favour, giving him 'advice'. The truth was, sometimes it became too huge a task to carry on, to keep his head above water, to constantly deceive and take advantage of people. Some days, all he wanted to do was give up, end it all. These thoughts flooded his mind on a daily basis, leaving him to drown in an ocean of hopelessness.

"If that is all Albus, I'll go and get ready for dinner," stated Snape as he got up from the chair he was sitting on. As he turned to go, Dumbledore asked "Are you ready for this?" No. Of course he wasn't, he would never get used to the idea of using people for extracting information. "I'm prepared, yes," said Snape, walking towards the door to leave. Dumbledore nodded his excusal, knowing full well the truth behind his answer.

XXX

Just over an hour later, the sounds of students chatting and laughing travelled through the whole castle. The first day back after their summer holidays would be met with a big surprise – a toad-like teacher. Snape smirked at the thought of this; she was far more irksome than he could be. Revelling at the thought of all the students miserable, he left his quarters and headed for the great hall.

All of the teachers had taken their seats at the top of the enormous hall; all except one, Minerva. She was probably waiting to escort the first year students through the castle. He was glad that she wasn't there yet. It would be awkward, especially after what happened in The Three Broomsticks…

As all of the students filed into the hall, Severus spotted Hermione Granger. She was with the Weasley boy and Potter, looking a lot paler than usual. Her robes seemed baggy on her dangerously thin frame. Had the changes been subtle not even he would have noticed but, in a word, they were drastic. She looked as if she had just witnessed something terrible, her eyes holding a haunted look within them. He studied her appearance all throughout the sorting ceremony, the way she winced when someone brushed against her arms and how she only ate a small portion of vegetables. Something was wrong with her, something serious.

While Severus was looking at Hermione, Minerva had obviously taken her seat. He felt her hand rub the inside of his thigh under the table before he knew she was even seated. Jumping slightly at her touch, he pushed her hand away. "What on earth do you think you're doing?" exclaimed Severus. Dumbledore inclined his head in their direction, clearly annoyed at the behaviour of two of his Professors. "This is neither the time nor place for this carry on!" scolded the Headmaster.

Minerva smirked at Severus, her hand still dangerously close to his crotch. This woman just couldn't take a hint! He had never intended for his previous "mission" to go so far, never meant for her to become attached to him. It didn't help that Dolores Umbridge was shooting him dirty looks every now and then. She had taken the seat next to him and had made it very obvious to him that she had seen where Minerva placed her hand. As if he didn't hate the woman enough…

Dumbledore proceeded to introduce Professor Umbridge to the students as the new DADA teacher. To everyone's utter amazement, the woman in pink interrupted the Headmaster. This was not something many people had tried, but to anyone with a bit of sense, you never interrupt Dumbledore. He himself was taken aback at her rudeness for a moment.

She got up from her seat and made her little "Ministry loving" speech. Basically, the ministry were interfering at Hogwarts and things "had to change" according to the vile woman. Finally she took her seat again and the feast began.

Severus ate his dinner in silence. He could feel Minerva's eyes on him throughout the feast, never turning away from him. She made to ask him a question but he had stood up abruptly and turned his back on her. Dumbledore turned to him, a look of understanding on his face and dismissed him from dinner.

He made his way back to his private quarters, needing a very large fire whiskey. The dungeons were lit by torches on the walls, casting an iridescent glow through the damp corridor. Just as he went to open the door, a hand pulled it back. Looking behind him he saw Minerva, the same lust filled look in her eyes he had seen too many times.

He rubbed his forehead, trying very hard to not snap at her. Difficult as it was, he managed to sigh, "Floo yourself to your chambers," while he held the door open for her. She certainly was not going to give up any time soon either way. Even though he felt no emotional attachment to his colleague, he certainly enjoyed her "company".

Severus turned to close the door behind him, already regretting what was about to happen. When he turned back around, Minerva flung herself at him, her hands around his neck. He was not impressed. That was for sure.

"Not here. Use the Floo, Minerva," ordered Severus. She obliged, taking a handful of floo powder in her hand.

"I'll be waiting in my bedroom, Severus," she said teasingly, finally dropping the powder into the fireplace.

Though he'd tried many a time, he simply could not get rid of her. She always came back, even after being verbally abused on countless occasions. The headmistress was a force to be reckoned with. Severus usually enjoyed this in a woman but… she was not his type.

"This is the last time. I've had enough of this," he grumbled, as he too flooed his way to Minerva's Chambers.

XXX

Severus rolled off of her and onto his back, satisfied and panting for air. Minerva too, was trying to catch her breath. She lay next to him, tracing her hand over his scarred chest. He flinched, a natural instinct.

Feeling uncomfortable, he got up from her bed and pulled on his trousers. It was never an all-night thing, more of a passing encounter. That was the way he had always viewed it anyway.

After zipping up his black trousers, he reached for his shirt. Minerva pulled it away from him, holding it over her head. He hated her childish games! All he wanted was to leave, to hang his head in shame and drink. He needed a drink, badly.

Getting impatient, he shouted, "For fuck sake! Just give me the shirt, I'm leaving."

"It's always the same with you! Do I mean that little to you, Severus?" she whimpered.

There were so many better ways of saying what he was about to say but, he just came right out and said it.

"You mean nothing."

She dropped his shirt on the bed, her eyes wet with tears, a look of deep hurt etched into her aged face. Maybe this time, she would finally accept that they would be nothing more than colleagues.

"I think you should go now…" she managed to whisper.

Just then, someone knocked on the door to Minerva's quarters. She quickly pulled on her dressing gown and made for the bedroom door. Severus would have to wait in the bedroom until the guest had left because the fireplace was in the living room. "Stay here and be quiet," she mumbled as she closed the door behind her.

"Miss Granger, is there something the matter?" he heard Minerva inquire. Why would she be visiting her Head of house at such a late hour? It was unusual enough for the headmistress herself to even be awake at two o'clock in the morning, let alone the know-it-all Granger. Something was wrong.

"I.. uh.. I really need to talk to you about something" she managed to whimper before bursting into tears.

Severus sat on the bed, tapping his foot impatiently. He didn't want to stay in her room any longer than necessary. Curiosity got the better of him though and as he made his way over to the bedroom door, nothing could prepare him for what he would hear next..


	3. Solution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Again, I do not own any of the beautiful world JK Rowling created. Very much an AU

Resting his head against the ornate bedroom door; the muffled sounds of Hermione's sobs made him feel uneasy. They were not the cries of a distraught pubescent teenager but a broken girl. And as much as he disliked the child, what he heard next left him reeling.

Lucius had always been a salacious man, but to force himself on a teenage girl- the same age as his own son? Severus could hardly believe what he was hearing, yet he knew in his heart of hearts that his fellow comrade was very capable of doing such a thing. Knowing that Lucius had done this to a student left him disgusted; after all, Severus had seen first-hand the effects an assault of a sexual nature can have on a person. It was often left up to him to clean the blood from his mother's battered face, to ice the wounds that never seemed to heal. Once his father had finished with her, he left to go to the pub; leaving the young boy to comfort his broken mother.

How could he possibly try to earn Hermione's trust now? He was Machiavellian to a point but not even he could be so insensitive under the circumstances.

The sound of a door creaking shut brought Severus back to the present. Minerva spoke from the living room; "You can come out now." He sheepishly exited the bedroom and stood in the doorway, unaware as to what the situation required of him. Minerva studied his face noting an extra degree of disdain than usual in his features. She didn't say anything.

It was Severus who broke the silence, uttering the colossal question; "How far along is she?"

Minerva poured herself a firewhiskey and downed it in one. "Not long, a few weeks maybe." The two professors stared at each other for what seemed a long time before anything else was said. They both knew Hermione couldn't possibly keep the baby; and that meant only one thing. The baby was to be gotten rid of. No one could know- not even Dumbledore. She couldn't go to Madam Pomfrey because such instances would be reported to the Headmaster and the Board of Governors. This protocol would ensure the paternity of the baby would be known to Lucius. Because of his inexorable character, Lucius posed a great risk to Hermione. Severus and Minerva knew he could never find out.

"I'll sort it, Minerva. Bring her to me tomorrow after dinner". Severus grabbed his topcoat and locked eyes with the woman- who ten minutes previously had a look of pure ecstasy on her face. Looking at her now, Minerva was whiter than the Bloody Baron. Floo powder in one hand, Severus returned to his living quarters through the fireplace.

After a quick shower, Severus set to work on the potion that would eliminate the child. While preparing the ingredients for the complex mixture, Severus thought about the vicissitudes of the predicament he was involved in. Here he was, brewing the very concoction his mother attempted to produce so that she wouldn't give birth to him. A mishap with measurements prevented the mixture from being of any real use. Severus knew all too well the suffering that child would go through should it be born and Lucius made aware; the blonde man had a long history of violent outbursts. And with Voldemort building up his army again, the wizarding world would simply not be safe for a child to grow up in. No, he couldn't let anyone go through all of that. Not even know-it-all Granger.

For once, he knew he was doing the right thing.


End file.
